Muzzily Muddled

The life and times of a 30-something recent law school graduate trying to understand the past, figure out the future and scrape through the present in one piece.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Thing I Need to Talk About but Don't Want to Talk About

I'm impressed that I made 5 whole posts about fun stuff before I got around to this one.  This is the thing that my friends will know I talk about all the time, but it's because I need to talk about it rather than because I want to talk about it.  Some people have to spill their guts about things they are struggling with, just to make those things bearable, and I'm one of those people.  So it's not so much that I want everyone and their uncle to know about this, but it helps me to share.  Therefore, I share.

I should get to the point, right?


Did you know that one in eight American couples struggle with infertility?  And please, don't kid yourself into thinking it's because they all waited until they were 45 to start trying to have kids.  Sure, there are many who struggle who are older.  And there are also many, many, many who are in their 20s and early 30s.

(WARNING - if you are needle-phobic, don't scroll down to the pics at the bottom.)

Also, before you tell me to relax or that it's stress related, do some research.  Infertility causes stress, stress doesn't cause infertility.  In our case, we have a very specific defined medical problem that has absolutely, positively nothing to do with stress.  It was there before we even knew that we had a reason to worry.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm in law school.  I previously had a successful career with an amazing company.  I've spoken in front of hundreds of people.  I lived in four different cities in three different states in the first five years of marriage.  And infertility is by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  Nothing else comes anywhere close.

In some ways, it's what defines me now.  I can say all kinds of things about myself, about who I am, but in the back of my mind there is this little voice that is telling me that I am the girl who's never been pregnant, but not by choice.

In a few weeks I'll start stabbing myself with needles and making myself a regular presence at my doctor's office as we go through another round of IVF.  I don't want to, but I'm going to do it.  I don't like all the hormones.  I hate that this is the only way we can have a child.  And yes, we will consider adoption, but I'm not quite ready to give up the dream of carrying a child, of breast feeding, of all the amazing things that go along with giving birth.  For me, it's less the issue of biology, and more the issue of that connection with another living being.  But yes, adoption is an option.  Just not quite yet.

I promise this entire blog won't be about infertility.  But some of it will be.  How can it not, when IVF looks like this?

And by the way, I didn't include individual pics of the big needles.  :(  Also, the needles are the easiest part of the whole process.  It's the waiting, and wondering, and worrying that it might just be throwing money out the window that gets to you.  If it works, it is totally worth it.  It's the fear that it won't work that is so devastating.  

But we'll do it again in about a month, and hope that this is the time that makes everything up until now all worthwhile.  

As a final note, infertility is one of the most taboo of all medical issues.  Most people won't ever tell you that they've dealt with it.  There's a stigma attached to infertility.  I talk about it not just because it helps me, but because I hope that it helps others, helps them to know they aren't alone.  


  1. I so appreciate your honesty in dealing with this tough, heart-wrenching issue. Thinking of you and praying, too. Hope that's ok :)

  2. Oh Adriane, of course it's ok! We need all the help we can get. :)