Muzzily Muddled

The life and times of a 30-something recent law school graduate trying to understand the past, figure out the future and scrape through the present in one piece.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On Friends and Friendship

I've always felt like I didn't quite have a knack for the whole interacting-with-friends thing the way other people do.  I adore my friends.  But, I am not an exceptionally social person.  I love to interact with people, but I am always a bit self-conscious, no matter my level of comfort with that person.

When I was a kid I was super, crazy shy.  I always had a book with me on the school bus because I was too terrified to talk to anyone.  The older I got the better I got about interacting with people.  Now, I can mix and mingle at a work function and not stress over it too much.  And I've been told that I come across as outgoing (which truly surprises me).  I've gotten good at meeting people, making acquaintances.  But developing real, genuine connections with people is still difficult for me.

I think sometimes I'm a homebody because it's easy to be one.  If I'm hanging out at home by myself, I don't worry about whether I'm talking too much, not enough, not being entertaining enough, acing overly needy, etc.  It's safe to be by myself.  Actually going out and spending time with someone is not safe.  I wonder whether I'm being annoying, whether I'm any fun to hang out with, whether I'm saying or doing the wrong thing.

I've been thinking about this lately because over the next few months I won't be working, I won't be in class.  I'll just be taking some time off.  And I know that my natural inclination will be to stay home 24/7, and to withdraw a bit.  So I'm going to challenge myself to reach out to my friends, maybe to invite people over for dinner (gasp), or try to schedule more lunches out.  Who knows?

I cherish the friends that I have.  I realize that they may not know that, because I am not good about making it known how important my friends are to me.  It's way easier for me to come across as self-sufficient, as though I don't need friends.  But I do.  And I know some truly amazing people, people that I would love to spend more time with.  It's just not easy for me to tell them that.  If you are reading this, it's a virtual certainty that you are one of those people.  So know that you mean the world to me, even if I've never told you.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Break! For many months...

It's funny how one can agonize over a decision, only to later find that the decision made is universally applauded by friends and family.

Our little baby boy is due in March, and I've been EXHAUSTED the last few months.  No energy.  None.  I've got 17 hours left until I graduate from law school, and had every intention of powering through the spring semester so I could be done in May.  I also had every intention of taking some time off after that, and not taking the bar exam until February 2013, just so I could stay at home with the little guy for a while before starting work.

But, a few weeks ago I started to rethink the plan.  Discussed it with the hubster, with other family, with student services.  And I decided to take a leave of absence from school this spring.  I'll go back in the fall to finish things up.

Which means I've got a couple months coming up when I will be gainfully unemployed and can nest to my heart's content.  I am available for temp work, so I might do an honest days work or two.  But in general, I'm pretty darn excited about having the time to rest up, grow a baby, and then be able to fully devote myself to him in those first few weeks/months.  No running back to school right after he's born to take finals.  No worrying about walking around campus in the snow and ice.  No worrying about missing classes if I don't feel well, or if I am put on bedrest or anything of the sort.

The most surprising thing for me has been that everyone, and I do mean everyone, that I have told about the leave of absence has thought it is a phenomenally great idea.  I am so surprised!  I really agonized over the decision.  It means I'll need to find people to watch the little guy when I go back to school in the fall, and that I'll miss out on some of that time with him when he's older.  But still, everyone thinks it's great.

So, seems as though I made a good decision.  Nice to have everyone's approval for the fact that I'm going to be a bum for a few months.  :)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Puppy Love (at Christmas, that is)

21 years ago (eek! how did I get that old?!?) I decided I needed my own Christmas tree in my room at my parents' house.  So I saved up for a while, then went out and bought this 4 foot tree that I still use to this day.

I got some simple glass ball ornaments, a thin strand of garland, a few lights, and a simple gold star.  I also picked up an ornament called Puppy Love.  It was a Hallmark ornament, and was the first in a series.  I never have liked starting things in the middle, so I thought it would be appropriate to buy an adorable little puppy ornament that also happened to be the first in a new series.

Little did I know that it would be one of those very long-lasting series of Hallmark ornaments, still going strong 21 years later!  I don't have number 21 just yet, but as soon as I have it in my hot little hands, my little 4 foot tree will be decorated with 21 puppies.

I haven't put up a tree the last few years because our house is pretty crowded, and I miss being able to put up our giant 8 footer.  But this year I wanted to see the puppies, so I made a space.

Wishing all my friends and family the best of the holiday season, no matter what holiday you celebrate, if any.  Puppy love to you all!!


Friday, November 25, 2011

Progress on the baby room

Most of the work has been done on the baby room for a while, by default.  The walls were the color I wanted, we had almost all the furniture we wanted already.  I do want to pull up the carpet at some point and have the hardwood underneath repaired/refurbished, but that may not happen until after baby is born.  We'll see.  (I'll gladly take recommendations if anyone knows someone good locally to hire for the job.)

But, there are a couple small projects still to be done.  One of which was to cover up some discolorations on the modular furniture we are using in place of a dresser.

I've had this furniture since I was a kid.  Dad painted and assembled it, and since it's particle board I well remember how he slaved over the immense quantity of paint it all soaked up.  Ideally, we should repaint it.  20+ years of use, plus being moved 6 times has left some damage to the finish.  But, there were really only a couple places that were discolored, and I thought of a quick fix to cover up the worst of it in a fun way.

Mod podge!  Woo!

Here's the finished product.  Just needed to cover up these two sides, and I used black and white scrapbook paper cut into random shapes and sizes.  I think it works nicely!  It's far from perfect, there are some bubbles/wrinkles in the paper, but as a temporary fix until we get around to repainting all of it, I think it will be just fine.  (The flat, un-mod-podged bit under the window is where the changing pad will go.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Half way there!!

Mmm, so that title might be a tiny white lie, since I'm not technically 20 weeks along for 2 1/2 more days.  But, yeah, it feels pretty good to be practically half way there.

And, this week we had our anatomy scan, the big ultrasound that checks to make sure all the organs are present and all the fingers and toes and arms and legs are there, and are growing at the right rate.

Not to mention...  It's the big ultrasound that reveals gender, if you want to find out...

So I'd like to introduce -


Nah, we can't have our baby be an evil fiend, so baby must be -


Bony, or cute, baby is all BOY!!!!!  Best news, all his little fingers and toes and various vital bits are present and accounted for, where they should be and looking good!  So he is a healthy boy.  What a blessing.  :)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tunnel vision

I have real tunnel vision issues.  Or, maybe that's not the best term for it.  What I mean is, that I get so focused on one part of my life that other things fall by the wayside.  I am a great multi-tasker when it comes to little things, but when it comes to the big, overarching themes of my life, I'm lucky to handle more than one at a time.

Example:  First year of law school, I was primarily focused on school.  Not 100%, but it was the biggest thing for me.  Yes, I was also thinking a lot about trying to get pregnant, but that didn't take over.  I was mostly tuned into school, into getting a good job for the summer, into doing well on finals and proving myself.

Second year, I was primarily focused on fertility treatments.  I was still going to classes of course, still doing what needed to be done, still looking for a good job for the summer, etc.  But my focus shifted,  Not ideal, I suppose, but that's the way it was.

Third year?  Hell, I don't know.  :)  I want to be focused on school again.  Promise!  But now I'm pregnant (yay!!!) and my focus has shifted to being a good mom, on "growing a baby" as I like to call it.  I need to finish this year out strong.  I need to be able to find a good job after graduating.  But, it's more important to me now that I do the best that I can to bring this child into the world and care for him or her.  Not that this is a bad goal, but the problem is that I get so focused on it that other things, like school, fall to the wayside.

I'd like to find some balance.  Balance is good, right?  I'd like to find some way that I can focus on school when I need to, but still take care of myself and the baby the way that I want and need to.

I've spent the last 8 weeks sick sick sick.  Morning sickness and migraines and a nasty cold that turned into nastier bronchitis.  I'm finally starting to feel like a normal person who doesn't need to sleep 12+ hours a day. So, consider this post to be my reminder to myself that, while it was laudable and right to take a few weeks to  heal and to sleep and to ensure the best health I could for the sake of my growing baby, it's now time to shift my focus a bit and knuckle down with the books.

I'm a smart girl.  Surely I can grow a baby, plan and plot for a newborn, all while keeping up with school and graduating with a decent GPA, right?  Sure I can.

I can!  I just have to lose a bit of my baby tunnel vision I've got at the moment.  :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Rally Squirrel & Cheagle Adorableness

Don't know what a rally squirrel is?  You must not be from St. Louis, and you must not follow postseason baseball.  :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Random pics with my new camera

Um, the title says it all.  Got a fancy schmancy new camera.  Took some practice pics.  Don't know what I'm doing, but it's fun.  :)



My lladro, purchased in Spain in 1998

Pandas from the future nursery

Wedding flowers from my wedding that happened 10 1/2 years ago

1923 white gold Gamma Phi Beta badge that I call my own for now, will be donated to our international HQ one day

Thursday, October 6, 2011


I've been pretty much avoiding blogging lately because I knew I couldn't keep myself from talking about being pregnant!!!  Which I am!!!

For those who know me, or who have read some of my earlier posts, you'll know that we did our second round of IVF this summer.  The second IVF was the culmination of two long years of trying for a baby, and it is so, so very exciting that we are now expecting!

So I thought I would do a little review in pics of the baby so far.  I'll be 15 weeks on Saturday, so the newest pic is a few weeks old.  Squee!!  How cool is this??!?!?!??

The two 5-day blastocysts we transferred.  One implanted, one did not.  With a 5 day embryo, I was considered 2 weeks, 5 days pregnant when they were transferred.  :)

Baby at 5 weeks, 4 days (5w4d)

Baby at 6w4d

Baby at 7w2d 
(pics going forward are on my OB's equipment, instead of the fertility specialist, so they look jut a bit different)

Baby at 9w3d

Baby at 11w3d

Baby at 12w3d

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Day late, dollar short, what's done is done, blah blah blah

Even though I haven't seen any of these posts for a few days, a friend's recent post coupled with some lively discussion on a discussion board I follow has prompted me to write this.  My apologies for the lack of timeliness.  Deal with it.  :)

So the most recent "breast cancer awareness" game on facebook has been to post a random week and a craving, pretending that you are pregnant and are having a craving for some junk food.  Now, I realize that this seems like it is all fun and games.  And I won't be nearly so eloquent or vehement as some of the very well-written blogs I have read on the subject.  But, here are my two cents.

Ten to 15 percent of couples in the United States are infertile.

12.2 percent of women born in the United States today will develop breast cancer at some time in their lives.

When you are dealing with infertility, and someone jokes about being pregnant, it hurts.  You may not understand if you've never had trouble getting pregnant, but trust me, it hurts.

So, on facebook, we are encouraged to show support for one tenth of the female population while humiliating/embarrassing/angering one tenth of the "couple" population.  How is that helpful?  How does that promote breast cancer awareness?  What about the women and men of reproductive age that have cancer, and as a direct result of their life-saving treatments, become infertile?  Fertility preservation and fertility rescue is pretty new and not available to most cancer patients.  I would think that, if someone lost their ability to have a child because of breast cancer, they may not feel supported by a facebook status where someone pretends to be pregnant.

Infertility is one of those issues that almost no one ever talks about.  And it's a real shame.  And yes, as a society we do tend to be hypersensitive to too many things.  But please, for the love of all things lovable, please think before you post.  Does posting "I'm 25 weeks and craving chocolate" or something similar really help spread awareness about breast cancer?  Or does it maybe confuse your friends and family, and hurt the hearts of your friends who cannot have a child or another child?  You may not know that they are dealing with infertility, because more likely than not they haven't advertised the fact.  But, 10-15% of couples is a large enough part of the population that I can almost guarantee that several of your facebook friends are infertile.

Breast cancer is a terrible thing.  But please, don't try to support one part of the population while being insensitive to another part.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My favorite time of the year!!

I admit it.  I'm a recruitment junkie.  I adore this time of the year, the excitement, the anticipation, the nervousness, everything that goes into sorority recruitment.  So, here is my completely random photo blitz of Gamma Phis and Gamma Phi symbols, past and present, in honor of all current and soon-to-be Gamma Phi Betas!!  <3 <3 <3